and miles from where you are;

we never take a breath and think about the passing of time frequently enough to recognise
how precious it is. we aren't supposed to remember days, friends. we're supposed to
remember moments. moments aren't enough, but sometimes they're all we end up having.
and each moment reminds us we are but a breath, You, God, are forever.

the couple stood still on the edge of the flower-bed, and together pressed the end of her
parasol deep down into the soft earth. the action and the fact that his hand rested on the
top of hers expressed their feelings in a strange way, as these short insignificant words
also expressed something, words with short wings for their heavy body of meaning,
inadequate to carry them far and thus alighting awkwardly upon the very common objects
that surrounded them and were to their inexperienced touch so massive...

- "Kew Gardens", Virginia Woolf.

my table is a complete mess, coupled with the ongoing essay churning that is taking shape
literally painfully slowly, i have a bag of bread, a packet of crackers, and various assortments
of medication i am taking to try and fight off this cursed bug. it is not supposed to end this way!
my life is so void of excitement i'm creating my own drama every single day.

the most beautiful thing about this, is that i don't deserve any of it.

reading up about different cameras makes me want an ixus 100 is ):

is that it makes me miss you, but want you more.

you are always trying to keep it real
i'm in love with how you feel
i don't see what anyone could see in anyone else
but you.

why is it so hard for you to understand? why is it so hard for me to understand? these
moments are far too precious, and we let them slip us by far too subtly.

... as for me, I will always have hope;
       I will praise you more and more. 
My mouth will tell of your righteousness,
       of your salvation all day long,
       though I know not its measure.
I will come and proclaim your mighty acts, O Sovereign LORD;
       I will proclaim your righteousness, yours alone.
Since my youth, O God, you have taught me,
       and to this day I declare your marvelous deeds.
Even when I am old and gray,
       do not forsake me, O God,
       till I declare your power to the next generation,
       your might to all who are to come.
Your righteousness reaches to the skies, O God,
       you who have done great things.
       Who, O God, is like you?

(Psalm 71:14 - 19)

this is who You have made me to be, and nothing in the world can wrest this from me.

you have no idea how hard it is for me to write a thesis proposal without thinking about this
coming saturday. you also have no idea how lucky you are that you can focus on just one
thing and shut everything else out. today i wish i could do that.

these moments, so few, so precious.

i am not afraid to let you invade my personal space. i wouldn't even mind if you knocked the
furniture in my heart around a bit, if you came in and rearranged the corner of me you
hold,
captive.

but please, on the way out,
leave a little of you with me.

with a deep breath you realise things are not quite what you'd expected, and certainly not how
you would have planned them. a moment of panic, the vaguest sense of sheer helplessness,
and gradually you come to accept that what must be done, must be done. somehow, by some
miracle, we get where we have to. it's not chance, it's not even our own efforts. in the space
between the panic and the peace, is the immeasurable grace of God, holding us together all
the times we feel threatened enough to almost fall apart.

there are profound, simple truths that escape expression. this one, the one we agree on in
our heads but never say aloud, this is one.

if we wait long enough, the minutes stretch till they fill hours, the hours pass into days, the
days into weeks and before we know it, months, years of our lives have passed. knowing
this, is it so hard to imagine that we would really be selective about who we spend these
passing moments with?

It was very big to think about everything and everywhere. Only God could do that. He tried
to think what a big thought that must be but he could think only of God. God was God's name
just as his name was Stephen. Dieu was the French for God and that was God's name too; and
when anyone prayed to God and said Dieu then God knew at once that it was a French person
that was praying. But though there were different names for God in all the different languages
in the world and God understood what all the people who prayed said in their different
languages still God remained always the same God and God's real name was God.

- A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man, James Joyce.

you could be on this train, or the next one coming. it doesn't matter. what matters is that you
get where you have to be. i hope it's wherever i am.

and you will lean your head against the back of my neck, and we'll be alright.

i was listening to a writer talk about his new novel on the radio yesterday, and he said he
knew he had it when he got the last sentence. sometimes beginnings must start from the
end.

i think of you thinking about the next five months. five months is about the longest and
shortest time that exists. but time is relative, and if you can find a place to be yourself, to be
happy, five months will be a mere blip on the way to something so much more. sometimes
we just have to hold our breath, and wait.

and when the One we're truly waiting on reminds us that His gaze is always on us, maybe
then we can be happy waiting out the months in between. if you wait out the rain, you get to
see the first rays of sunshine break their way through the clouds. and that, believe me, is
the most beautiful thing you'll see.

the bestie says i have too many things on my plate. she could very well be right. but if you
know me, you'll know there's nothing i will drop now i've taken it up. so there's nothing for
it but a deep breath and the very next step.

God is our strength and refuge, a very present help in time of trouble (:

i tried the classic put yourself in the other person's shoes thing, and for the life of me i still
don't get it. but maybe the point about this is not to "get it", but to do it even in the absence
of understanding completely, simply because it's what makes the other person happy. i
don't know. this isn't to make me sound like a martyr, but i guess i'm still learning. i guess.

Clementine: This is it, Joel. It's going to be gone soon.
Joel: I know.
Clementine: What do we do?
Joel: Enjoy it.

it is all too transient, these steps in time we take. i saw a beautiful flower today, and the
very minute the thought crossed my mind, the wind blew and the petals fell. so it is with
everything within the frame of our lives. we watch, we wait, we admire, but we never fully
know. the moment we think we know, that which we know disappears.

we never fully know, but we can, and sometimes in the span of the years we have left, we
love, we do, we are, nevertheless. knowledge is not sufficient, not in and of itself. so what
if we acquire it? what we know of life does not make it easier to live, or happier to be in. for
it's in the being and the doing that the knowledge holds any hope of meaning.

today, i spoke as much as i usually do in class, i stood up and rambled a little. i've read,
i've contributed. i prepare to do one more assignment, i brace myself for one more meeting.
but i don't remember today for the sum of these things. they are inconsequential to my
definition of self. i remember today for the fact i spent more time with my sister than i have
in weeks, for the fact i met one, two, three friends quite by accident. i remember today for
the things i cannot empiricise.

and what i know of these, i am immeasurably thankful for.