and miles from where you are;

as a child, i think i spent an inordinate amount of time dreaming of a fantasy world of sorts.
apparently this fantasy world included my prince charming, a merman no less.

for all we create as children to hold on to, God invariably gives us above and beyond that.
t'is good (:

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according
to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus
throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

- Ephesians 3:20-21

as holiday tradition goes, i have spent time back selectively. it feels like being on a break
is an excuse for decadence, for sleeping at the most extraordinary times and, in the
stillness of inactivity, for never needing to find too many words for that which makes no
excuses for what it is.



i desperately want to go on a long bus ride in the pouring rain. this and the precious
slivers of time i spend with you.

Psalm 113

⁵ Who is like the LORD our God,
       the One who sits enthroned on high,

 ⁶ who stoops down to look
       on the heavens and the earth?

1 Corinthians 13

 ¹If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a
clanging cymbal. ²And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all
knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am
nothing. ³If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love,
I gain nothing.

16 june 09;

we drove past clouds caught in the golden-white hues of sunlight and it was nothing short
of magnificent. but moments like that are only good to be shared. i'm frustrated at being
out of things even though i know He has His reasons and that they are without doubt, good.

this entry is coming in bits and pieces, a little like me at the moment.

27 june 09;

now i'm back and it's all a little strange. i'm also learning that things are never quite what we
expect, and it's taking some getting used to, but i'm determined i'll eventually get it. i know
i'm supposed to take it as it is, to appreciate that things are what they are, and maybe that
i am needed more than i realise. but part of being blessed is some measure of disbelief,
although yes i'm working towards finally believing it.

good grief, i'm ridiculously inarticulate. pfft.

believe me, if i could, the only thing i would want to do now is hold you and make things
alright. but i cannot, so we must learn that He does, and not in bits and pieces as we
are only capable of doing, but all the time, faithfully, with a strength we ourselves cannot
possess. He's got your back, love, down to the second.

there are so many more things we want to be able to say, but in the absence of actual
words we breathe in and out and the moments slip us by. we've exhausted what must
be said, but we've barely begun to say everything else we want to be able to say. and
as with so many moments, this one is laden with those inarticulate thoughts like fruit
on a bough, weighing it to the ground.

i saved up more things to say which i lost the moment i could say them. cold ears and
frozen hands. we saw a couple stand over the gap between the train and the platform
holding hands and waiting till the train left, and it was at once sweet and sad.

i miss my mei badly.

moving past the past that
slow is to speed.
hoping that our love exceeds
our insecurities.
- long walk home, this day and age.

this alabaster jar is all i have of worth
i break it at Your feet
Lord it's less than You deserve
You're far more beautiful,
more precious than the oil
the sum of my desires and the fullness of my joy

like You spilled Your blood
i spill my heart
as an offering to my King

here i am, take me,
as an offering
here i am, giving
every heartbeat for Your glory
take me.

-alabaster jar, zach neese.

if i had the chance to go back and do everything again, i wouldn't change any of it. every
single heartache, from the first break to the conclusion to the season, each a precious,
precious gift. only You know the depth of meaning this song holds, only You deserve,
so completely, even this little i have offered. and now even as things are not the same
as they were before, even this, maybe especially this, this is Yours. Yours to bless,
Yours to grow, Yours to take if You so choose.

for the sum of it all is simply this: we are not our own, we were bought, redeemed, for
You, the joy of our desiring. Saviour, Friend, Maker, the ultimate Lover of our souls.

being in unfamiliar territory i have found my words don't come so easily. is it being in a new
place while missing home? is it in your, or my absence? is it the cold empty air? we're
reduced to speculative notions and cheap letters. not even words, much less sentences.
could i possibly hope for a paragraph or what might have been "simply beautiful" before?

i know with desperation that i am out of place. we travelled along alien roads and into a
gorgeous park but all my mind could turn over, again and again, was how could i possibly
live away from home? it's beyond comprehension. i only know that even in the most
comfortable distance i could never be at peace without the people i love close by.

i read a sad poem and even then i don't know how best to respond. i'm not home and it's
changed close enough to, everything.

if you know me, you know already how empty this dislocation, from place, from familiarity,
from expression, has really made me feel. i need you to try, whatever you do, to fill the
space. at the same, i need to do this myself. do i contradict myself? very well then, i
contradict myself.

maybe it's all just because i can't breathe properly. hem.

as expected, everything i noticed and made mental note to tell you, i forgot the moment i
had a chance to say it. i think we end up talking about the mundane, everyday things
instead because we need to know time's on our side for the precious things we wish we
both could see.

the cold has frozen my words into ice-cubes of sterility, this is not what i want to really say
and in a moment i will step away and regret not saying so much more. all i know is that
i'm in a place, a part of a, my, world i wish i could show you.

but once again we've hesitated till it's time to go, and we tell ourselves better luck next
time, perhaps. there's time enough to say more. then again, you know what i'd say if there
was only one thing i could say.

an astonishing evening, falling down and embarrassing klutziness aside.

we're just walking along parallel to each other and i wouldn't give you another thought,
just that at the exact time i glance in your direction you're looking at me and try as i might
i cannot look away. and the tenuous grasp we both have of that moment is all we've got to
hold on to, but it's knocked the breath right out of me, i'm stunned by the depth and width
and height of whatever it is you've made me feel.

i can't decide if i hate that feeling of profound vulnerability but right now it's quite possible
to not mind.



"I always feel this pressure of being a strong and independent icon of womanhood, and
without making it look my whole life is revolving around some guy. But loving someone,
and being loved means so much to me. We always make fun of it and stuff. But isn't
everything we do in life a way to be loved a little more?"

/edit: while i'm gone, i know i shall miss lying on the pavement looking for stars we can't
actually identify. :x

we breathe each other in and cross whole distances in leaps. we desperately need to hold
onto each moment, each fragment of you and, me. before this began i had a million thoughts
i was saving up to eventually pour out but the moment arrives and it's my head on your
shoulder and i've conveniently run out of things to say. i pick and choose my words with
caution, but you know what i'm saying even though the words are wrong.

i guess the point is just this: it's always infinitely better than we imagine it would be, and
there is no logical reason for this except that He's willed it so. we're products of His love,
we can love, we do love, because of Him. and that's the best part of all that's happened.
this is where we began, this is where we're complete.

so maybe, maybe it doesn't matter the miles we find filling the space between us, we're
really only a hair's breadth from each other.

657 days ago, i told myself faith is being able to give up something important believing He
has something even better in store. 

it's true.

it's also impossible to not be amazed at the way You work, i would never have imagined
being here now, but as with many things, retrospect is the widest possible view we get.
all in all, i'm glad it is Your purpose that prevails. to You we look, on You we depend, teach
us to walk in Your ways, to obey and adore You above all. You are our God, and we worship
You.

thank you to each one who has journeyed with me, from the very beginning, to whichever
point you first came alongside me. i've learnt far more about the need for companionship
and Godly counsel through each one of you. thank you most of all for the times you have
patiently endured my rambling / ranting, when you've not said anything rather than just
saying something for the sake of it. thank you each for the prayers and thoughts, the
constant encouragement and checking back.

my best friend, you've been ready to both listen and advise, thank you for being there. thank
you too for not being afraid of telling me when i've been stupid. (: i love youuu.

my chubbyhubby half, you've seen the whole unfolding over the past year and a half. there
isn't enough i could say to thank you. thank you most of all, for loving me enough to always
tell me the truth, even when it's meant upsetting me. you've been amazing, i can only pray
He teaches me to love you the way you have loved me.

to three-quarters of BADE, you have been awesome. you've seen more of my heartache,
glee and every other part of this, and each of you have always been ready to hold my hand
and tell me it's okay. i wouldn't have been able to do this without your love.

and finally, thank you, for choosing to honour Him even though it's been hard. for being an
incredible friend, for not running to the hills, and for being so open. this is just the beginning,
and i'm so glad it's so (:

Psalm 100

 ¹ Shout for joy to the LORD, all the earth.

 ² Worship the LORD with gladness;
       come before him with joyful songs.

 ³ Know that the LORD is God.
       It is he who made us, and we are his;
       we are his people, the sheep of his pasture.

 ⁴ Enter his gates with thanksgiving
       and his courts with praise;
       give thanks to him and praise his name.

 ⁵ For the LORD is good and his love endures forever;
       his faithfulness continues through all generations.

some things, it's true, last forever. some things though, i've learnt to be afraid to promise.
it's okay to not be able to give forever, just don't pretend you can. maybe, though, fear is
the most affirming emotion in the human condition, because fear means you have
something to lose.

cause everything's wrong
but it's all right
everything's wrong
but it's all right.

Proverbs 4;

20 My son, pay attention to what I say;
       listen closely to my words.

 21 Do not let them out of your sight,
       keep them within your heart;

 22 for they are life to those who find them
       and health to a man's whole body.

 23 Above all else, guard your heart,
       for it is the wellspring of life.

 24 Put away perversity from your mouth;
       keep corrupt talk far from your lips.

 25 Let your eyes look straight ahead,
       fix your gaze directly before you.

 26 Make level paths for your feet
       and take only ways that are firm.

 27 Do not swerve to the right or the left;
       keep your foot from evil.

/edit: a very old, backdated post. (: amazing stuff, looking back now.

great is Thy faithfulness
oh God my Father
there is no shadow of turning with Thee
Thou changest not, Thy compassions they fail not
as Thou hast been, Thou forever wilt be.

great is Thy faithfulness!
great is Thy faithfulness!
morning by morning new mercies i see
all i have needed Thy hand hath provided
great is Thy faithfulness, Lord unto me.

my surest Delight, my most certain Hope, my constant Companion and most faithful
Lover, it is to You my heart and hands are raised.

i know things are tough now, i know it's overwhelming and discouraging and sometimes
just painful. and i could think of a million things to say or do, but they wouldn't be enough.
so i'm here if you need me, but more to the point, i pray you find your greatest comfort in
Him. He loves you, He hasn't brought you to this place to let you drown, but so you learn
what it is to hold onto a Lifeline that will not let you slip, much less sink.

you don't have to have it all together, part of the point of not being alone is that we discover
how we need one another precisely because sometimes we find we can't make it on our
own. so there is room for dependence on one another, there is space to discover we need
others. God programmed us to rely on one another, that's the way it is. it's a beautiful (even
if terrifying) thing.

At the end of the day, when it comes down to it, all we really want is to be close to
somebody. So this thing where we all keep our distance and pretend not to care about
each other, it's usually a load of bull. So we pick and choose who we want to remain close
to, and once we've chosen those people, we tend to stick close by. No matter how much
we hurt them. The people that are still with you at the end of the day, those are the ones
worth keeping. And sure, sometimes close can be too close. But sometimes, that invasion
of personal space, it can be exactly what you need.

and once again, in all this, You prove You are sovereign and faithful.

thank You.

it's ok. we'll grow, hopefully together. (:

either as a product of age or increased busyness (or both) i have found myself more and
more discinclined from the pretences of social obligation. i now avoid saying "let's catch
up soon!" with a ridiculously plastic grin on my face unless i actually have the good
intention and will (coupled with desire, of course) to make good that statement. i tire of
pretending i want to talk to or be with people whose company i have no real interest in.

does that make me selfish? possibly. and it's not as if to say this is the hard and fast rule
and if i appear disinterested i really am disinterested and you should never attempt to start
a conversation with me ever again. what i'm saying is, life's too short to spend it doing
what we don't have enough interest or integrity in.

that's all.

1 corinthians 13;

⁴Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant ⁵or rude. It does
not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; ⁶it does not rejoice at wrongdoing,
but rejoices with the truth. ⁷Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things,
endures all things.

but i want to learn this. no one said it'd be easy, but it will always prove itself worth the
lesson.

there's the slightest moment of panic but it passes with the knowledge that nothing is
beyond Your reach. but the point of my being here was to say how i knew that truth the
moment i saw bubbles floating past the window. there are more things to life than the
sum of achievements or failures. there is more to life than our collective attempts at
glory.

there is more to life and i thank You for it.

Psalm 103
¹ Praise the LORD, O my soul;
       all my inmost being, praise his holy name.

 ² Praise the LORD, O my soul,
       and forget not all his benefits-

 ³ who forgives all your sins
       and heals all your diseases,

 ⁴ who redeems your life from the pit
       and crowns you with love and compassion,

 ⁵ who satisfies your desires with good things
       so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.

²⁰ Praise the LORD, you his angels,
       you mighty ones who do his bidding,
       who obey his word.

 ²¹ Praise the LORD, all his heavenly hosts,
       you his servants who do his will.

 ²² Praise the LORD, all his works
       everywhere in his dominion.
       Praise the LORD, O my soul.